SHARI wonders if it's really too much to ask for her morning chaos, moronic parkers and calorific toffee pecan's to be non-existent as she blames her grumpy phase on dieting.
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LADIES, brace yourselves. The following information made me purse my lips and harrumph my bosoms in a disgruntled fashion.
In fact, I've been in a state of chronic crabbitness since I read this week that a new survey claims women are grumpy for 10 days a year.
'What makes you grumpy?' my lovely editor asked. I paused for about a millionth of a second and then rhymed off a litany of travel irritations. Inconsiderate drivers. In-flight annoyances. Packing woes.
As my issues rolled off the tip of my tongue, I came to a startling realisation. Once upon a time I was a happy-go-lucky, live-and-let-live kinda chick. Now? It seems I've officially entered my discontented GOB (Grumpy Old Bint) phase.
If I were alive in medieval times I'd have been Lady Grumpalot, the twisted old crone who sat outside the castle all day shouting at idiotic knights who double parked their steeds.
They say youth is wasted on the young. I beg to differ. It's tolerance. With every year that passes, my patience is eroded. I'm like the ozone layer of womanhood.
To illustrate my point, here are today's contenders for top slot on the Universal Scale of Aaaaargh.
I love my children more than life. They're my favourite people to spend time with. But mornings in my household have my nerves wound tighter than Russell Brand's jeggings.
It shouldn't be difficult. We don't launch a space shuttle. Or devise new formulas for the Hadron Collider. We wake up. Shower. Have breakfast. Brush teeth. Get dressed. Pack everything required for day. Go to car. Yet every morning that apparently requires 3954 repetitions of questions, instructions and encouragement.
'Have you brushed your teeth yet? Can you hurry up? Can we get to the car? Quickly, darlings, we're going to be late. Come on, hurry it up, love. JUST GET IN THE CAR!!!'
The school then phones me an hour later to say Low The Younger has forgotten his saxophone, gym kit and dinner money.
My afternoon gripe? People who park in disabled or parent-and-child spaces when they are not entitled to. Yes, you, Mr Swanky Car, who slid into a family space at the door of a Paisley leisure centre, despite there being loads of free slots just a couple of rows back.
You know who you are. You then jumped out in your sports kit, checking yourself out in the reflection of the window, before bounding up the stairs to the gym.
I hate to point out the obvious because there's no arguing with stupid but you'd have burned off a few more bloody calories if you'd parked where you were supposed to. Sorry, had to pause there to count to 10 and re-regulate my breathing. In my defence, my ire is fuelled by mitigating circumstances that can be summed up in one haunting, traumatic word - diet. Sob. I've been on a variety of slimming regimes since the days when dinosaurs called Hankmarvinous Rex roamed the earth.
My current one started in June after a particularly heavy night on the batter. Almost four months of sugar deprivation does not make for a chipper disposition.
I find myself thinking malicious thoughts when I see people tucking into delicious food, especially if they're a size 8 and scoffing a toffee pecan yum yum.
Apologies to the lady outside the baker's this morning if my stare put you off your pastry.
So, cruel, annoying world, please, please sort out morning chaos, ban moronic parking and deliver a calorie-free toffee pecan yum yum.
But top of the list? Who does this GOB have to moan at to arrange a ban on harrumph-inducing surveys?
Entities 0 Name: SHARI Count: 2 1 Name: Paisley Count: 1 2 Name: Hadron Collider Count: 1 3 Name: Universal Scale of Aaaaargh Count: 1 4 Name: Hankmarvinous Rex Count: 1 5 Name: Low The Younger Count: 1 6 Name: Lady Grumpalot Count: 1 7 Name: Russell Brand Count: 1 8 Name: Swanky Car Count: 1 Related Keywords 0 Name: grumpy Score: 43 1 Name: yum Score: 34 2 Name: toffee Score: 30 3 Name: pecan Score: 26 4 Name: shari Score: 18 5 Name: gob Score: 17 6 Name: morning Score: 17 7 Name: diet Score: 16 8 Name: moronic Score: 16 9 Name: parking Score: 15 authors 0 Name: by ShariLow Url: http://ift.tt/1u0VAZj Media Images 0
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